Lesson: How to post correctly in a forum

By StarBuG · Jun 3, 2005 ·
  1. StarBuG
    "How do I become user of the month" or "how to post correctly on a forum"

    The only working formula to rise in an existing forum hierarchy from bottom to top in a short time is this thread.
    If you follow all instruction precisely, wich have been proven over the years by the way, then glory and honor will be on your side.

    1) Registration

    - Reading Forumrules is for losers only! Because all Rules contain the same content don´t waist any time reading them!

    The best nicknames are the once that clearly show your outstanding skills and leadership qualities. This includes:
    a) Administrator/Admin
    b) Supermoderator/Supermod
    c) Golbalmoderator/Globalmod
    or d) Moderator

    Other users have to see from the start that you are a very experienced forum user.
    As alternative you can use famous scenenames like: Tron, Dr.Overflow or Rootnix (only a smal collection of all possibilities).
    This shows everyone that you are at least as good as the originals.

    If you don´t like any of the above names or you think you are very individually choose a name that is very impressing and long:
    Frodo_Beutlin_the_carrier_of_the_ring_from_lord_of_the_rings would be an example for such a name.
    After all you are not responsible for users wich notebook can only handle resolutions of 800x600!
    They should get a good notebook if they want to read your postings (wich of course everyone wants).

    - As a precaution it would be good to register twice. You can´t possibly predict if your username get´s lost by accident: double is better!

    2) Your profile

    Your profile has to reflect your personality. Birthdate and origin are absolutly unnecessary and nobody needs to know.
    Your signature should at least show what a groovy geezer you are.
    The best thing to accomplish this, is to make a enumeration of all the Moderator- and Administrator Jobs you have on various other forums.
    If these forums just have you and your classmate as members it still isn´t a reason to keep your outstanding position a secret.
    If you are no moderator or administrator in any forum (which is highly unlikely for an outstanding person like you)
    and you also have no courage to invent some imaginary forums, links to pornsites are always good too.
    This shows that you know your way around the depths of the internet and that others can learn from your experience!
    Most other users like links to websites with dialer software and spyware best! Also very popular links are links to forums of competitors in which anyone can admire your former postings.

    3) The first posting

    The first impression is the most important! Because everyone needs to know immediatly with whome they are dealing with,
    here are some groundrules for your first posting:

    a) Only losers post in the introduction forum! Search the thread with the mosts hits at the moment and introduce your shimmering personality there.
    b) You should start your posting with the words: "Finaly you got me too!" The other users should know after all what they have missed before!
    c) The first thing you need to make clear is that your current userrank is absolutly unsuitable and only temporary!
    A short "I am sure the admin will need me as moderator" will make the addressed one jump for joy immediatly.
    d) With a little bit of luck you got a thread where you can make the others look pale like with:
    "I have given this answer already 1986 on the ABC-Forum!" The others will then be awestruck and woun´t contradict you.
    If a moderator is going to delete or move your posting you can make this the topic of your second post immediatly and ask the other members to show solidarity.

    4) The Forum Live

    At first you need to improve your current user rank. Newbies woun´t be taken seriously!

    a) First search for the oldest thread there is and write your opinion! If the matter was already resolved ignore it and write your opinion anyway because other users will be interested in what you have to say.
    b) It doesn´t matter if you have knowledge about the topic, if necessary just repeat what the user above you said.
    c) In case of doubt a smile or a short "exactly!" will do just fine as reply.

    If you after that has risen to a double- or triple-Star Status you can start to involve yourself in current discussions.

    a) Show everyone that you are totaly into the scene! This you can accomplish best with small hints. They simply need to know that you know much more then you say!
    b) Always post sayings like "this I´ve already said years ago!" this will upraise you to a god in the eyes of others!
    c) Never show uncertainty! Nothing is ruining your reputation more then a sentence like "I didn´t know that!"
    NEVER and under NO circumstances use the sentence with the bad m-word! To say "That was my mistake" is as good as an invitation to question your superiority.
    d) If you notice someone with an opposit opinion to yours and you know he is right, start questioning his statement and say something like "how would you know that kiddy?". In case that the other user is older then you answer with "hey old geezer, that is passed your time! Go die!"
    e) Simply ignore people who call you a spamer or jerk.
    f) Sometimes just whoop it up! It has a purpose that language has so much cusswords! Use them!
    g) If someone doesn´t like your style start making fun of him! A missing comma or a misspelled word disqualifies him and it is a good oportunity to laugh about him.
    h) Use the word "muuuhhhaaaahaaa" as often as you can! It shows your competence!
    i) Moderators are all troublemakers in general! They are sitting before there computer with no friends, no family and no real life and this only to agonize and monitor others.
    Show it to them! Show them how high you are above them! Say something like "I write this even though Moderator XY will delete it".
    This shows your currage and uplifts you to the same level as a hero like Che Guevara or the valiant little tailor.
    j) If you start a new thread a describing topic is not needed! "Question" or "Problem" are absolutly sufficient!
    k) Quote as often as you can the one user that replied before you! NO! Single sentences don´t suffice!
    You can´t expect others to scroll back one post to read the opinion of the other user!

    5) Miscellaneous

    - The word "personal" in "Personal Message" doesn't mean anything! If someone writes you a PM publish it!
    After all it is in your inbox and so it belongs to you!

    - NEVER use the Search function! It´s absolutly needless and only part of the design!

    - Always post between 4am. and 5am. this way noone can stop you!

    - Your postings are much to important to just post them in one forum! Post them in every available forum! The database is big enough!

    - Never mention a source! Everything that you quote could be from you and for this reason sources are not needed!

    Good luck!

    COMMENT: This Article is from an UNKOWN german author (at least I don´t know who wrote this!) and I took the liberty to translate this into english because I realy think it is worth reading.
    So again: I AM NOT THE AUTHOR! ;)

    Have fun


    ps: please excuse spelling or translation errors after all I am german ;)

    Feedback is welcome ;)

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